“I don’t have any problems, I have desires!”
I feel different. The days are going by less painfully, work and church, my friends, dog and home are less challenging than they have ever been. And I am grateful the greatest struggle of my life, how to absorb the death of my husband, seems to be in the rear view mirror.
And so I go on. And as I see it, I don’t have any problems, I only have desires.
Deep down I know everything is OK. I know this morning offers the same promise as yesterday’s morning. I know when we come to a decision is when life will change for us. And I feel like my life has made that turn. I just don’t know what the decisions I have made – to be a writer, to be a painter, to be one who heals, to be of service – means. I guess I will just go on enjoying watching life unfurl it’s welcoming red carpet toward me – the authentic me, the me I really am. How did I get here – this place of warm and happy acceptance?
“No judgements, no expectations and no need to know exactly how tomorrow will look.”
I first heard these words come out of Caroline Myss‘ mouth during an interview. These words, as I recall, were her response to a question about ‘the secret to life.’ These words, when I heard them, stood out separate from the rest of the other words around them. And it was then I decided to make them MY words. I decided to pay attention to judgements I was making, to expectations I had and to my need to know exactly how tomorrow will look.
I was hungry for answers back then. My husband had just died and I was searching for a way to be. I know that sounds strange, but I didn’t know how to be me anymore. I was no longer any kind of me I had ever known. I was a stranger who needed figuring out. And I needed something else to do when I wasn’t collapsing and crying.
And making these words my experience came very easily too. I had absolutely no energy anymore. My body was overtaken by massive amounts of feelings. Emotions are electrically charged and I needed to rest each time their energy ran though me. Like daily doses of shock treatment my former life was being erased.
No better was my mental state. Another charming aspect of ‘the gifts’ of grief – my memory was shot. My ‘calendar sense’ had completely collapsed like a star creating a black hole in time and space. I knew what day of the week it was but remembering what happened on which days was impossible.
So what does one do when your current skill set includes deeply feeling energy, resting, being superiorly kind to yourself and living completely in the NOW?
You do the work Ms. Myss spoke about. I began a practice of giving up judgements, expectations and the need to know what tomorrow looks like. I did this because her instructions were simple and easy to understand, because her advice fit so neatly with my newly acquired skills and because I was starting from ground zero at the age of 49.
That was three years ago. I now have a new set of skills – using emotions to inform my intuition and being non-judgmental with no expectations for today or tomorrow. I am also following my bliss for I know with every Bliss-y step comes authenticity and Joy.
There are still plenty of empty spaces lefton the crossword puzzle of my life. We are never done you know. But it is important to look back and see where we have been and how far we have come and how it all happened. Thanks to my friends for reminding me of this!
How is where you are today intentional?