“For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” ~ thich nhat hahn
Describing a feeling is never easy unless I have an acute sense of it’s components. I have been living under an umbrella of grief for 23 months now so I can describe that pretty dog gone well…and I think I have.
Over time I have developed tools, tricks and strategies to dodge, absorb and release much sorrow. But now – today and for the past several days – there is something new afoot.
There is a freshly burning thing wanting to be revealed. It appears to be a calming answer to an earlier request. And I ‘think’ I am more grounded and whole because of it. Only time will tell if there is Truth here.
What seems to be building round the middle of my chest is a broad and natural heat, the likes of which one expects to find at the center of a heap of long composted garden waste. Yet this triple shredded compost is inside of me! This may sound strange but it is almost like a space has been made clear “for my husband” inside of my heart. We are connected together again in a new and profound way.
Am I receiving a gift of sorts? Or do I just have indigestion?
It appears to be the antithesis of those irregular intense strikes of pain and loss. Yes – this feels of steadiness and comfort and love. It is as if by allowing Michael to become part of me – part of my heart – I am made more than whole.
Does any of this make any sense? How can one be more than whole? Is this kind of equation (100% + 1) even possible? The effect of being stretched beyond my current understanding is a feeling of empowerment, compassion and humility for it all.
The one familiar aspect of this new found formation within is finding myself in yet-another-transitional-place. Change has become quite normal to me. In fact it has become standard operating procedure!
As any good Buddhist will tell you, the only way to find permanent joy is by embracing the fact that nothing is permanent. And though I am not Buddhist, experience has shown me this is, ironically, the UNCHANGING Truth.
This is all I am allowed to know at this time. When I know more I will be sure to tell you. For it is “the telling” that has become my healing.
And I am hopeful, too, that there are healings in these writings of mine for others. For this is my task. And for this task my gratitude is unbounded.
How are you changing today?
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