In the stillness I remain until my song is ready to be sung. That is what ‘Course in Miracles lady’ said when I inquired about the nature of Grief. She spoke freely about the nature of Anger during her brief workshop. But she said not a word about Grief until I approached her afterward. She said, “Like Anger, Grief is natural. First we must feel the Grief, then there is Stillness, then your Song emerges.” Quite pithy – huh?
Well it has been some time now. Past are the blankets of Grief that covered me head-to-toe for weeks at a time. Now. like Coca Cola and Pepsi, I am feeling sorrow and melancholy in a variety of flavors and strengths. Whenever Grief shows up today, like Mark Nepo writes, “I become water. I let everything rinse its grief in me and reflect back as much light as I can.” So it appears that Stillness is the more dominate state here and now.
You wouldn’t think so, but being Still is damn challenging too. There exists this friction between wanting so much to move forward and seeming to be not moving at all. This Stillness is not because I am under resourced, under supported, beholden to anyone, or tied to any particular place. Nope – got plenty of Freedom. What I require is DIRECTION.
I am neutral. I am Switzerland. I am Bud Lite, hospital food, Muzak, a politician running unopposed for office – I got no enthusiasm! I catch glimpses of it when I meet a fine man or create a fine meal or painting but these are not the stuffs I wish to build my new life upon.
Until my next chapter’s motivation is revealed I am industrious. I do the busy work of Stillness. Like a toddler’s day in preschool the work is important and foundational and elemental.
In the morning we have painting, then we study metaphysics. Then lunch and playtime. Playtime is essential! Recess ends with a story and nap time, after which there is a snack. Then we explore another activity. All activities, if not educational, are at least FUN.
I am not the best scheduler, which has me upset some times. And occasionally I pass judgement on myself or the days curriculum or lack there of. “If I could just get on with it!, I say to myself. But this is futile. If I could I would, just got no road map right now.
But when I choose to take a loving and kind view of myself I find little hints here and there whispering to me about intuition being crucial in the next iteration of Lani 3.0. And great stores of power and love within me. And vast creative juices which cannot help but flow thru me. And perhaps I can help others in some way too?
I know my direction will reveal itself when the time is best. But how long must we wait! Fa-La-Fuckin-La! Where is my damn song?
What causes you to throw a tantrum?
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