When I was sick, before Michael died, he would make me a cup of tea if I asked him to. Not anymore. And when I was sick and he came to bed, if he saw I had scarfed one of his pillows he would say plainly, “Come on – give it up.” And he would take it from me when I was reluctant to do so. Not anymore. So I have to make my own tea now. But I get all the pillows! Just a peek into my memory bank about Michael and our life together. If you are scoring – seems like a wash. But of course, it is not that simple. Wish it was. Day-to-day I think, “who I am…now?”
I did not experience it like that at first. Death of a spouse, at first, was just so much swamp to be moved through. So much heavy, thick and somber muck to be cleared. And it was relentless. Day and night, inside and outside, close and far away – something was always calling to be cut away, signed for, or hugged and cherished. And in the beginning there was so much to do and so many folks to help. We got through it.
Now it seems I am more settled into my game. Things are in there right places and friends have moved on. Not away from me necessarily, just back into their own lives, their regular routines. I can be trusted to handle things by myself now. Though I still ask for help when I need it. And I have made new friends!
So here I am, creating a new life. I know…it sounds so daunting. Funny thing too – I just realized – I do not recall ever doing this before. I know I made choices and I ended up in places where I met people and I did things. But looking back, none of it seemed to be so deliberate. At least not as deliberate as it is now. What’s up with that? Is it normal to be so carefully pondering each piece of that life as I fashion this new one? Is this new life not made of whole cloth? Living consciously is the difference, I think.
In aiming to live consciously I am coming to learn how to ask for what I want. And at the same time I am defiantly learning Acceptance of what is. Doing these two things in concert is a gift. Doing these two things in concert intertwines my own true nature with the true nature of that which is Universal. Back and forth I go, traveling between Acceptance and Desire. Sometimes feeling deep pain and sorrow. And sometimes I move with Grace and ease. What makes the difference here? It just depends on how awake I am to the moment.
Living intentionally with both Acceptance and Desire is a struggle. But it is these opposing forces which chug the cogs on the wheel of life forward. It is this shuttling back and forth between the two that weaves us into eternity. The minutes tick by, the kettle boils and the standard falls. Consciousness just naturally oscillates in character. This has really bugged me in the past. “Why can’t I stay awake more?” Now I know it is OK. It is just the natural warp and weft of the fabric of life. Acceptance has cleared the way for fabricating a life made up from my deepest desires. Can’t wait to see what those will be…
What is hard for you to Accept?
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